


Whole Again

by agent_cherri_cola



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Hallucinations, M/M, Return
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:54:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26533927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_cherri_cola/pseuds/agent_cherri_cola
Summary: The man standing in the middle of the lake couldn’t take his eyes off Merlin, who had changed so much - he was so painfully thin, sporting stubble and such a ridiculous outfit, but at the same time, it was his good old Merlin, the one he had always loved and whom he had not told so much.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 59





	Whole Again

It was a dank autumn evening, the rain was only just starting. The cold wind made the surface of the lake ripple. 

He wasn’t cold at all. He walked, his feet almost sinking in the soft mud, but he didn’t care. He only saw a lonely figure on the shore and only felt his gaze. Suddenly, he stopped, waist deep in the water, and tears rolling down his cheeks got mixed with rain droplets lightly pummeling against his bare skin. There was only one thing on his mind. 

The man on the shore couldn’t control his feelings and kept running his hand through his hair and fumbling with his hat, trying to suppress a sob. He couldn’t help but tossed his backpack on the sand and ran towards the icy water.

In his head, words started flashing, “Arthur. He’s here. He’s back. That damned dragon was right. He is here. Arthur. Here.” 

The man standing in the lake couldn’t take his eyes off Merlin, who had changed so much - he was so painfully thin, sporting stubble and such a ridiculous outfit, but at the same time, he was his good old Merlin, the one he had always loved and whom he had not told so much.

“Arthur.”

“Merlin”, he whispered.

Merlin threw himself in Arthur’s hands, forgetting the rain and autumn chilly water. Through his thin old coat, he felt the king’s cold wet chest and pressed his body against his as close as he could, in the vain hope to become one with him and never let go. He’d been waiting for this moment for centuries and even prepared the right words for the occasion, but now, in less than a second, all the words disappeared from his head, where there was now only one feverish thought. Arthur.

Arthur, burying his face into Merlin’s shoulder, slowly put his lips on his neck. The sobbing young man was seemingly not surprised, and he whispered, “You need clothes. Let’s go… I have them… For you”.

Arthur took his face in his wet hands. Merlin had not seen these bright blue eyes for so long that he felt his stomach ache as if somebody stabbed him. He enjoyed the pain because his prince, his king, his everything – now he was here. And Merlin will never let him go. 

It was raining cats and dogs, and it was difficult to see two male silhouettes slowly walking towards the highway through dirt and high grass. One of them was wearing an old t-shirt under the grey coat, the other wore a red hoodie. Both were soaked to the bone, but it seemed like that fact didn’t bother them much.

“It’s like everything happened just yesterday, but turns out it’s been a thousand years”, Arthur smiled, stepping over another puddle. Then he added, sadness in his voice almost visible, “Where is everyone? Gwen, the knights…”

There was no need to ask, he knew the answer already. Merlin took the king by the hand and squeezed it in his cold fingers. 

“I was with them till the very end. I- I’m so sorry”, and his eyes filled with tears again.

They reached a car, an old blue Ford, and Merlin, who was cold through and through, opened the door for Arthur. Sitting in the front seat, the king seemed not to notice anything, looking down. When Merlin sat himself behind the wheel and touched his shoulder, Arthur raised his eyes and whispered, “Camelot, the people I loved- Where are they? Where are we?”

Merlin didn’t reply right away. He had asked himself the same question every day and never got the answer. He ran his hand through Arthur’s hair and over the sleeve of his red hoodie and looking right into his eyes, took his fingers into his palm. 

“That’s-“, he swallowed nervously, “that’s your fate. Your kingdom lives on, and I-I’m still with you.”

Arthur smiled sadly. 

“Thank you.”

These words made everything inside him turn over, even hundreds of years that had passed since that day, but he pulled himself together, turned the car key, and drove onto the road from the curb.

"You make me feel like I am whole again," the radio started playing.

The king flinched, and Merlin turned it off.

The entire time they were in the car, Arthur stared indifferently out the window. 

* * *

“You must tell me everything,” Arthur insisted, squeezing Merlin’s wrist. They were sitting on the sofa in the living room, as close as possible, watching a tv show. They were silent. None was able to find the words and express everything. But the fact that they were together, for the first time in so many years, was enough. Merlin felt calm and at the same time, hurt. Yet the pain was sweet because his prince was finally with him. Arthur would always be his prince, whatever happened.

And Merlin told him. Swallowing tears, interlocking their fingers, from time to time laying his head on Arthur’s shoulder, he told him how the kingdom had never recovered from the death of the king, how old Gaius had died in his sleep one sunny morning, what a wise queen Gwen had been, how she had to marry Hilderic in order to unite Albion and give birth to an heir, what an honest man the new king had been, how Merlin had come to the lake as often as he could… He didn’t mention, however, that now people doubted that Arthur and Camelot ever existed; that in an attempt to save civilians, Merlin had lived through so many wars that his head was spinning. He didn’t tell him that Arthur’s name drove him crazy for years, that he repeated it for hundreds of times every day, wanting to see the dead king again. He kept quiet about the fact that every day he woke up with only one thing on his mind; that all this time he had been living alone like Robinson Crusoe on his island.

Arthur was watching Merlin this whole time, his eyes full of sorrow and tenderness. When Merlin stopped speaking, sobbing silently, Arthur hugged him and rested his chin on Merlin’s head. With a sad smile on his lips, he whispered, “Now you have me, and I have you. And together, we have an eternity.”

* * *

Neither of them wanted to sleep and they both felt as if they closed their eyes, the beautiful dream would disappear forever. When at midnight Merlin finally led Arthur to the modest bedroom of his small house in order to help him get ready to sleep and, afterwards, wanted to leave, Arthur stood in the middle of the room, his hands folded on his chest, and asked brazenly, “You are not going to leave me alone here, are you?”

Smiling, Merlin was once again reminded how much he had missed this blond clotpole.

* * *

“I didn’t take the chance to say it, and I need to tell you now”, Arthur spoke softly when both of them were lying on the bed shoulder to shoulder and staring at the ceiling, talking about everything and nothing in particular. Every night up until this one Merlin slept on this king-sized bed alone. The rain was pounding on the roof, and this sound was somehow comforting. Merlin glanced at the prince who pushed the pillow aside, turned to face him and propped himself up on the elbow, looking straight into his blue eyes, touching his soul. Merlin felt that this eye contact must not be broken, and he fought the desire to look at Arthur’s lips and his strong broad chest. 

“Since that very moment when we first met- remember? I was training with the knights and acted like a spoilt boy. I knew there was something in you, something special which couldn’t be found in anyone else, something that I couldn’t quite put a finger on. At first I thought it was because you were an idiot,” at which Merlin laughed heartily and rolled his eyes.

“But I was wrong. You changed me, Merlin. I would’ve been the worst king ever without you. Hell, I’d be dead, even. I needed you, you were my light in darkest times, I would do anything just to see you smile. You showed me my mistakes and helped me understand the truth.” Arthur fell silent, and a moment later, he continued, and Merlin could feel the softness in his voice. “I thought man must and has to love only woman. I don’t care. I love you.”

Merlin’s eyes widened, he gasped. Prior to this moment, he had never realized what he felt. Merlin was ready to sacrifice his life for him. He cared for Arthur, but sometimes this royal prat annoyed him. Love… Certainly, their relationship was profoundly deeper than that of a master and his servant - it was more than just friendship. 

Sometimes Merlin went blushing when he caught himself wondering how it would feel to taste Arthur’s lips, to kiss his divine cheekbones… He blushed even more when he noticed how the prince looked at him, almost undressing him with his eyes. And now they both realized what to call their situation where sexual attraction did not play the most important role. They were bound to each other. Maybe that was what the Great dragon had meant when talking about “two sides of the same coin”. The sorcerer had never even dreamt about it; he had never thought that reality could be that way. 

Seeing Arthur’s anxious eyes, Merlin gathered his thoughts hastily and replied,

“I love you too.”

In the next moment, he finally felt Arthur’s lips on his.

* * *

The time went by too fast, and the dawn was already breaking in through the window. When Merlin woke up, he realized that his head was rested on Arthur’s warm chest. Suddenly, he thought that it must be another dream that felt too real – he saw hundreds of them. He closed his eyes and then opened them again. Crumpled sheets, clothes on the floor – all his doubts disappeared leaving no trace. He remembered.

He remembered the night full of sensations he had never experienced before. Arthur's body under him, his moans, rough caresses, the way he repeated his name in moments of pleasure. His arms, chest, eyes, his breath on the skin…

And then, the prince was lying next to him, sharing a blanket and sleeping peacefully. Merlin and Arthur became even closer, like two sides of the same coin.

Just as the sorcerer wanted to close is eyes and fall back asleep on the king’s chest, he realized something was wrong. But what? Feeling anxious, Merlin got up from the bed and looked around. 

There were butterflies everywhere.

Butterflies with blue glowing wings were flying lazily around the room and were everywhere: on the wide bed, the walls, the floor, the back of an old leather chair. One, apparently the most courageous, sat on top of Arthur's head and flew away only when he propped himself on his elbow and squinted at the sunlight pouring from the window.

“What… butterflies?”

Merlin was mesmerized – he admired the lovely little creatures that took over the room, and a goofy smile spread across his face. 

“Merlin. It’s butterflies. Inside. Hundreds of butterflies. Seriously?” Arthur said when a few of them sat on his shoulder.

Merlin put a finger to his lips and continued to grin.

“Hush, you’ll scare them away,” he whispered, and Arthur couldn’t help but smile at the happy expression on his sorcerer’s face.

“Okay. Where did they come from?”

“I have no idea.”

“Is this your magic?”

Now it was clear. That was how his magic worked on the best night of his life. It was not like he decided to create hundreds and thousands of small glowing butterflies - rather, it was on a subconscious level - Merlin could not control himself there. Carefully, trying not to step on anyone, he walked on tiptoes and opened the window, letting the cool morning air into the room. Arthur covered his eyes with his palm – the light was blinding. Fascinated, both young men enjoyed the way several hundred butterflies flew out through the open window in a single stream, their blue wings sparkling. Several moments later, Merlin heard a laugh behind his back, and the familiar voice that he missed so much said,

“Maybe you should cover yourself.”.

Merlin didn’t even notice that all this time he stood there naked, with his back turned to Arthur who honestly enjoyed the view.

“Where are my pants?..”

“No. Don’t, I’ve changed my mind. Come here.”

Could life be any better than that? Merlin asked himself, falling asleep every night next to Arthur. He was still afraid that one day everything would disappear and he would find himself on the shore of that damned lake, waiting for the king again. Sometimes he thought his broken heart could not take all this happiness he felt. Sometimes, looking at Arthur's beautiful profile, he saw his pale face and a fading light in his eyes, as on that very day. At such moments, the king took him by the shoulders and held him close, wrapping his arms around his waist and whispering: “I am here, you see? It’s okay. I love you".

Merlin’s magic grew stronger day by day, and he felt it flow in his veins. Arthur was getting used to the modern world, and what he liked best about it was sunglasses and red hoodies.

This summer was going to be the warmest and the brightest for the two of them, and they made up for the lost time as best as they could.

“No. No. God no,” Merlin was sobbing, waking up alone on the couch in the dark cold room. “Arthur.”

Nobody answered.

There was silence again. Merlin headed to the bathroom, his knees shaking. Leaning on the cold sink, he looked into the mirror and saw a stranger. Sunken eyes, tousled dark hair, pale skin, tears running down his cheeks – he looked like a mad man.

Magic. It makes his dreams so real that every time Merlin gets tricked and falls into the trap. His own subconsciousness drives him crazy. The image of Arthur haunts him day after day, year after year, and there is no way out of this vicious circle and there never will be.

He never returned and never will. The king is dead. Stupid, so stupid of Merlin to believe that one day, he will come back. How many years has it been, 1463? Or more? It’s ridiculous. Merlin has to move on, but where? Sooner or later, he will return to this damned lake, which took his whole life. His fate is a curse. And there's an eternity ahead.

“Arthur”, he said for the last time. 

The sound of his cracked voice echoed through the empty house. Something rumbled in the next room - the open window flapped in the autumn wind. It was cold. Dry leaves were lying on the floor. Picking up an old blanket, he wrapped himself in it and stumbled towards the window. October. Why did it seem that it was summer? Hallucinations. A stupid life that has lost its meaning.

* * *

Merlin had been lying on the couch in the living room for hours, staring at the ceiling, smoking. He did not know if it was day or night - heavy curtains did not let the light into his room, and he did not care anymore.

Falling asleep, he clearly heard his voice. Arthur was calling for him.


End file.
